Thresholds (2)

song : Rehab - Amy Winehouse
mood: weary
book-in-hand: Dance Dance Dance - Haruki Murakami

Silence is golden? Silence means consent? I wonder how those phrase came about... Silence might be greatly appreciated at times and even instances where it is sought after, but the part about it meaning consent? Surely not. Silence means just that - silence. An absence of a reply equates to being ignored my dear.

A person can only try so much for so long. A friendship, like any relationship, is a 2 way thing. There comes a time when the ignored text messages and un-returned phone calls or emails get to be too much and regardless of assurances made or words said, friends start to lose their sincerity.The effort, patience, good nature and kind words seem to be trampled underfoot so easily. No, it's not "prevention of misleading"; it is plain disregard, downright rude and just disrespectful. So with time, friends get buried like chipmunk acorns. Some you remember and dig up again, making the effort once more because you believe again. Some take root and sprout up, making the effort to grow back into your life. Others you forget and there they lay buried underground.

Not that I am a stranger to being ignored. I always seem to end up alone in the end. Just when I thought it was possible for someone as twisted as I am to be really accepted and taking the risk to open was worth it after all, I get shot down. The outstretched hand hoping for support, maybe even expecting it in some sense for once, grasped air yet again. In the end, I still have no one but myself and have to face it alone. The defenses and camouflage should never have come down so thoroughly.

Both Stephen King and Haruki Murakami wrote something to the effect of "I'm older now, I don't fall in love so easily now." and the statement struck me as somewhat defeatist and poignant. It does have an element of truth though. Won't you build higher walls everytime you get hurt to protect yourself in the future? Amidst the ever tougher and higher walls you forget one thing: the gates were opened from within every time. It matters not how high or thick your walls are. You might as well do without them to begin with. At least the view will be clearer.

So, what is your threshold for loneliness? How far would you go to work at a relationship? How long will you keep at shoring up your defenses before realising you are just boxing yourself in and not keeping anyone out. No one deserves to be lonely. Being alone is fine, but lonely isn't.