Ego-Sam

You know how the last letter in Singapore's car plates are defined by the 4 numbers preceeding it? I just had a definite moment where I am dead set on getting a car plate with the letters SPZ **** T in it and God damn to the numbers that dicate how that "T" comes about. Even if it is 4444. :D

So, car plate no. "SPZ 4444 T" prepare yourself to sit on my VW Golf GTI. Hahahahahaha

I'm Fed Up! Stop Raining!

Stop raining! Alright, I know being rained on is part of what living in Manchester is about, but give it a break already and let me enjoy this final summer in the UK. Seriously, counting the real number of days I have left in Manchester, it amounts to no more than 8 days. After I return from my trip with Mom and Sis, it is almost immediately off to Singapore I fly.

So...stop raining. Let the sun out. It'll be too late very soon.

feeling: rained on

Results!

The exam board meets this Monday. I have this sinking nervous feeling churning inside of me.

Worried....................................but worrying never helped solve anything.

Who Am I? (II)

This was a rather hard post in the making, considering the soul searching and self-examination involved in it. Looking at old posts like this and photos I've kept. I don't know what sparked this round of reminiscence, but it comes as a milestone of sorts.

I have finally walked out of the shadow of my failed relationship with Ling and fixed a part of me that has lain broken and scarred for well beyond a year. It was a very ugly me that faced the world in the ensuing months after the break up and I am glad to finally leave it behind. The sense of relief and lightness in the heart grows with each palpitation in my chest and smiles aren't so hard to conjure up any more.

In a way, I am terribly ashamed at how long it has taken me to get over Ling. Not that I harboured any thoughts of getting back together with her, but just that I never stopped letting it hurt me. And that was the crux of my problem: I allowed it to go on causing me grief. Wallowing in sorrow and self-hate, I refused to believe that a wretched soul like myself deserves to be happy - I've never given so much of myself to anyone before, so if the whole and sum of me can be rejected like that, surely it means there is seriously something wrong with me and I don't deserve to love and be loved? It was the realisation of all my childhood fears from my parents' separation. I was a defect with a warped heart after all.


After spending a summer running from my problems (all that travelling only served to conceal the turmoil brewing in me) and returning to Manchester with a jaded outlook on life, days just passed me by without any significance and meaning. The energy and vibrancy I once had was lost and I wasn't really trying to rediscover it to begin with. I still try my best not to dampen the moods - especially with Brian, Clarence and Kuan, but I think they could sense something was wrong with me and gradually they left me alone too. I think Brian was almost a little overwhelmed and shocked at my grief. It was in such stark contrast to his blossoming love with Lily it was ironic.

They say that time heals all wounds. That's bullshit. You have to make a concentrated effort to fill up the hole left gaping inside of you. If left alone, even with time, it'll just get deeper and darker as it tries to pull you under. Therefore it was so tiring to maintain the effort needed that I nearly stopped treading water and thought it would be easier to just sink into the abyss. Unfeeling and cocooned from the world in the darkness.

The break-through came recently and it was an enlightenment to say the least. With small nudges and prods from a friend, I stirred from my hole and looked out instead of inwards. Little by little I found myself wanting to reach out again. To share thoughts and feelings with someone else. To love again. The kind that transcends romance and doesn't expect anything in return, but just content in the good company. I think it's called "family". Where effort seems to come forward effortlessly. The atrophied muscle that is my heart is in use again and it is relishing the exercise it is finally getting. So my patchy heart is getting sewn up now and it wants to fly - solo for now until a partner joins in.

So who am I? I still don't know, but I know that I actually crave to be more and better once again. Thus life is golden. Super Golden full of energy hanging upside down from the ceiling kind of golden.





----------------
Now playing: Ippie Mix
via FoxyTunes

Time to go...

So it begins. The time to get my feet wet and start slaying these papers have begun. The imagery in my mind is something like that of a trench battlefield - just try your best to last through it all and don't make any stupid mistakes. First up, Management 3!


Oooo...It seems that going to NY might be possible after all this summer. We'll see how things go after SIA and Krisflyer gets back to me regarding that free ticket.

----------------
Now playing: Ryan Cabrera - In Between Lights
via FoxyTunes

Time Passes Too Quickly When You Enjoy Yourself

Went shopping today in town and with more than a little bit of help from Booh! I managed to get myself a pair of sandals for the upcoming summer. Yes, I went shopping, you can close that mouth on your gob-smacked face before a fly goes down that throat and chokes you.

Random thought of the day: You prepare for the same kind of weather in Manchester or Singapore in Spring/Summer. Rain and Sun. So you head out with an odd mix of sunglasses and raincoats/umbrella in your berms and sandals.

Was a little shocked though near the end of the day. Even worried. Really hope that this weekend isn't the last time I get to chill out in such a care-free spirit. I haven't enjoyed myself and bonded with someone so much in a long time and it would be depressing to think it could also be the last.

Other than that, EXAMS. 5 papers starting the 15th of May and come 30th May I will be taking the last paper of my undergraduate life. Time to break out that huge tea strainer again.



----------------
Now playing: Orson - Bright Idea
via FoxyTunes

I just want to go to sleep!

Right now, the life of an hikikomori seems especially appealing to me. For the past 2 hours I have tried to go to sleep but only succeeded in flipping about on my uselessly large bed, thinking about my dissertation and how I can improve it before handing it in this Friday. Ah... this is so tiring! I want to stop thinking and just be an otaku watching my favourite shows, anime, documentaries and vegetate.

Finally

You get as good as you give

Time for a breather after pulling off a 72 hours work stint. Sam Png is all used up and needs some loving, resting, travelling and basketballing.

Damn it feels good to finish this report.

Totally random: I think I'm becoming a Christian-Atheist-Free-thinker. Let me explain: I believe that there is a supernatural world or even a higher being, but all the religions in the world currently are so obviously flawed in their man-made forms that I don't really believe any one of them truly represents God purely. However, Christianity is probably the most updated of all the pagan based religions despite the myriad of lies and half-truths woven around it by the Church.

Living With Depression

Save me from myself
I know better but I can't help myself

-Sam Png

It's a constant struggle when you suffer from depression. Speaking from a personal point of view, there's a vast chasm between the clinically depressed and the emotionally depressed that is greater than what people perceive it to be. Not to take anything away from those emotionally depressed, but the life of a clinically depressed (CD) person is like an endless cycle of wars waged within yourself. I am not going through a negative phase currently, but somewhere in the back of my mind is the knowledge that it will hit me out of the blue again with no warning and maybe even no real reason. One could even be depressed over being depressed.

External factors are not always necessary to make a person depressed. It is now known that chemical changes in the brain can lead to depression without any external precipitating factor. It's not so much that we don't want to enjoy the pleasures of life, but more of how the events themselves don't give us as much pleasure anymore. Try imagining that you're watching your favourite movie, but only on old film with faded colours and scratchy audio - you just don't enjoy it as much anymore.

I feel like I have so much more to expunge on this topic... Maybe it's because I've come to terms with it some more over the years, I feel like I have to share and dispel the common myths construed on a very misunderstood condition. However, to avoid going into a verbal tirade, I shall not go rambling on any further. Understanding depression is nearly impossible for someone who does not suffer from it, but at least the acknowledgment of it as an illness has risen over the years. Anyone can be struck down by it. In fact, the strongest characters and personalities in history have suffered from depression before. Here's a few random examples:

• Alexander the Great, king
• Drew Barrymore, actress
• Ludwig von Beethoven, composer
• Jim Carrey, actor and comedian
• Winston Churchill, British prime minister
• Sigmund Freud, psychiatrist
• J.P. Morgan, industrialist
• Sir Isaac Newton, physicist

Sources:
Mood Disorders Association of Manitoba, What Do All These Famous People Have in Common? (poster), August 1999
Celebrity Meltdown, Psychology Today, December 1999, pp. 46-49,70,78

Photography

Warnings first: A photo deluge follows this!

Looking through past photographs taken, I realise that I have always been sort of semi-serious about photography. I know the basics about aperture and shutter speed, but that's about the extent of it. Lighting and settings are things which are still beyond me and frankly, I don't think I will be overly concerned about those variables any time soon. After all, the kind of photos I want to take aren't modelled shots. I am looking for the natural beauty in things to present themselves and capture them in that infinitely breath-taking moment.

There's only so little you can do with the lens on a digital camera though. Fiddle with it as much as you like, but the capabilities are limited. The next obvious step would be a digital SLR (Digital Single Reflex Lens) camera that offers better optics for low light conditions outdoors, a richer colour capture, less shutter lag, more manual control and much more depth. Basically, it does everything your digital camera does BUT better.

Below are photos that have got me wondering how it would have turned out with a better camera. Do I really want to sacrifice the convenience of a nifty point and shoot digicam with a bulky DSLR? It's not as simple as just getting a DSLR either. If you're going to get one, the additional accessories are a must or you might as well not get into serious photography to being with. Throw in the memory card, tripod, lens extension, carry case, cleaning kit and spare battery will probably rack up a bill of about $1500 to $2000 SGD depending on the brand and model you're buying. That is a huge price tag for a hobby. It is the equivalent of 10 top-notch basketball shoes, 20 A-grade basketballs, 2-3 superb semi-acoustic guitars with amplifiers included or 6 fabulous snorkelling trips on Malaysian or Thai islands! Perhaps it's still not the time yet for such a hefty investment.

p.s. the quality of the photos might appear better if viewed on flickr on this link

Here we go again!

Yes, another blogrolled post from the life-less souls in Manchester about exams. It is that time of the year again after all. The familiar routines start all over again as we each go about our ways of coping with the stress and fatigue that is part and parcel of this. There goes a whole box of tea bags... As well as song repeated ad infinitum in the background.

One thing I noticed though, is that I prefer this stage of the school year over normal lessons and timetables. I like how we're left alone to do what we want and need with only one deadline in sight: the day of the exams. No lessons to attend, courseworks to hand in or projects to research and complete. Call me insane.

Days are short and nights long now over here. With my nocturnal habits, I see less and less of the sun. I go to sleep at 7am when the sun is rising and awake at roughly 1pm when there's only a few hours of sunlight left. I wonder if my eyes glow in the dark now.

Another thing exam periods are good for: downloading movies. Due to the long hours spent revising on the laptop and the absence of power-sapping processes from gaming applications, the downloads can happily go on in the background as I read my notes and past year papers. The bulging number of movies in my collection is ever so tempting... but they'll have to wait till revision is done. WILLPOWER.

The urge to write has been low lately, ideas flutter in and out like temporal spirits. On rare occasions that they do finally take shape, academic demands supersede the time allocation. Not that much has happened anyway. 2008 has gotten off to a less than emphatic start. The usual "omph' just isn't there this year. 2007 was an eventful year in the worse sense of the word for me and I'm approaching this year with a Zen-like mentality:

-Go with the flow
-Don't force the issue
-Take a chill pill
-Be happy
-Do my best in what I want

People with less than sincere intentions, stay away from me. I don't have the time and energy to entertain you this year. It may be a little bit ruthless and even aggressive, but I will not hesitate to cut out the hypocrites who offer me naught but empty smiles with no warmth and meaningless conversations with no heart-felt connection. Just... BUZZ OFF. So, if I call you a friend, rest assured I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

How is this even .......

Saudi gang-rape victim is jailed

By Frances Harrison BBC News

An appeal court in Saudi Arabia has doubled the number of lashes and added a jail sentence as punishment for a woman who was gang-raped.

The victim was initially punished for violating laws on segregation of the sexes - she was in an unrelated man's car at the time of the attack.

When she appealed, the judges said she had been attempting to use the media to influence them.

The attackers' sentences - originally of up to five years - were doubled.

Extra penalties

According to the Arab News newspaper, the 19-year-old woman, who is from Saudi Arabia's Shia minority, was gang-raped 14 times in an attack in the eastern province a year-and-a-half ago.

Seven men from the majority Sunni community were found guilty of the rape and sentenced to prison terms ranging from just under a year to five years.

But the victim was also punished for violating Saudi Arabia's laws on segregation that forbid unrelated men and women from associating with each other. She was initially sentenced to 90 lashes for being in the car of a strange man.

On appeal, the Arab News reported that the punishment was not reduced but increased to 200 lashes and a six-month prison sentence.

The rapists also had their prison terms doubled. But the sentences are still low considering they could have faced the death penalty.

The Arab News quoted an official as saying the judges had decided to punish the girl for trying to aggravate and influence the judiciary through the media.

The victim's lawyer was suspended from the case, has had his licence to work confiscated, and faces a disciplinary session.

Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/1/hi/world/middle_east/7096814.stm

Tears Of Blood

Like a vampire of the night, I have not seen the light of day in ages. I grow weak in the living and strong in the dead pallid moonlight. I cry tears of blood. I am, undead.



----------------
Now playing: 五月天 - 拥抱
via FoxyTunes

In Singapore

Packing can be quite a bitch in Singapore's weather. Occasional thunder storms that drench everyone and everything do nothing to improve moods either. On top of that, I am leaving again in 3 weeks which means.... MORE PACKING.

----------------
Now playing: Michael Bublé - Everything
via FoxyTunes

Okay, OWN UP!!!

Which one of you went to Germany without telling me?!?!?!?!! I want some souvenirs from Germany! Some beer maybe?

What the hell!

It's summer and the temperature now is 3 Degrees Celsius.... THREE!!!!!! I'm freezing my bloody fingers and toes off at my study table.

It's The Final Countdown

song : Here is Gone - Goo Goo Dolls
mood: stressed
book-in-hand: Fabric of the Cosmos by Briane Greene

Thank God for small blessings. This time around, the hardest 2 papers come last. Numerical Methods and Low Speed Aerodynamics. Whether I will have to come back early on the 21st of August to retake my papers will ultimately come down to these 2 modules.

1. Management II (18/05/07)
2. Aerospace Structures (21/05/07)
3. Control Systems (25/05/07)
4. Aircraft Design (30/05/07)
5. Numerical Methods (01/06/07)
6. Low Speed Aerodynamics (04/06/07)

I am feeling very stupid indeed this year. Barely keeping my head afloat in school.

p.s. Yes, WX, I am reading that book again because a) I am out of books to read and b) I didn't understand everything in it the first time round.

4 Essential Steps to Surviving Exams

song : Time Is Running Out - Muse
mood: teafused
book-in-hand: The Book Thief by Markus Zusak


Step one:

Prepare 2 cups and one mega-ass strainer




Step 2:

Sprinkle desired amount of tea leaves into strainer for preferred level of tea intoxication. Insert strainer into appropriate big-assed cup and add boiling water.


Step 3:

Return strainer to 1st cup to keep for repeat of steps

ad infinitum

Sip scalding tea to invigorate mind and cook tastebuds.

Step 4:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!Revise!!!!!!!!!!!!