Who Am I? (II)

This was a rather hard post in the making, considering the soul searching and self-examination involved in it. Looking at old posts like this and photos I've kept. I don't know what sparked this round of reminiscence, but it comes as a milestone of sorts.

I have finally walked out of the shadow of my failed relationship with Ling and fixed a part of me that has lain broken and scarred for well beyond a year. It was a very ugly me that faced the world in the ensuing months after the break up and I am glad to finally leave it behind. The sense of relief and lightness in the heart grows with each palpitation in my chest and smiles aren't so hard to conjure up any more.

In a way, I am terribly ashamed at how long it has taken me to get over Ling. Not that I harboured any thoughts of getting back together with her, but just that I never stopped letting it hurt me. And that was the crux of my problem: I allowed it to go on causing me grief. Wallowing in sorrow and self-hate, I refused to believe that a wretched soul like myself deserves to be happy - I've never given so much of myself to anyone before, so if the whole and sum of me can be rejected like that, surely it means there is seriously something wrong with me and I don't deserve to love and be loved? It was the realisation of all my childhood fears from my parents' separation. I was a defect with a warped heart after all.


After spending a summer running from my problems (all that travelling only served to conceal the turmoil brewing in me) and returning to Manchester with a jaded outlook on life, days just passed me by without any significance and meaning. The energy and vibrancy I once had was lost and I wasn't really trying to rediscover it to begin with. I still try my best not to dampen the moods - especially with Brian, Clarence and Kuan, but I think they could sense something was wrong with me and gradually they left me alone too. I think Brian was almost a little overwhelmed and shocked at my grief. It was in such stark contrast to his blossoming love with Lily it was ironic.

They say that time heals all wounds. That's bullshit. You have to make a concentrated effort to fill up the hole left gaping inside of you. If left alone, even with time, it'll just get deeper and darker as it tries to pull you under. Therefore it was so tiring to maintain the effort needed that I nearly stopped treading water and thought it would be easier to just sink into the abyss. Unfeeling and cocooned from the world in the darkness.

The break-through came recently and it was an enlightenment to say the least. With small nudges and prods from a friend, I stirred from my hole and looked out instead of inwards. Little by little I found myself wanting to reach out again. To share thoughts and feelings with someone else. To love again. The kind that transcends romance and doesn't expect anything in return, but just content in the good company. I think it's called "family". Where effort seems to come forward effortlessly. The atrophied muscle that is my heart is in use again and it is relishing the exercise it is finally getting. So my patchy heart is getting sewn up now and it wants to fly - solo for now until a partner joins in.

So who am I? I still don't know, but I know that I actually crave to be more and better once again. Thus life is golden. Super Golden full of energy hanging upside down from the ceiling kind of golden.





----------------
Now playing: Ippie Mix
via FoxyTunes