Living With Depression

Save me from myself
I know better but I can't help myself

-Sam Png

It's a constant struggle when you suffer from depression. Speaking from a personal point of view, there's a vast chasm between the clinically depressed and the emotionally depressed that is greater than what people perceive it to be. Not to take anything away from those emotionally depressed, but the life of a clinically depressed (CD) person is like an endless cycle of wars waged within yourself. I am not going through a negative phase currently, but somewhere in the back of my mind is the knowledge that it will hit me out of the blue again with no warning and maybe even no real reason. One could even be depressed over being depressed.

External factors are not always necessary to make a person depressed. It is now known that chemical changes in the brain can lead to depression without any external precipitating factor. It's not so much that we don't want to enjoy the pleasures of life, but more of how the events themselves don't give us as much pleasure anymore. Try imagining that you're watching your favourite movie, but only on old film with faded colours and scratchy audio - you just don't enjoy it as much anymore.

I feel like I have so much more to expunge on this topic... Maybe it's because I've come to terms with it some more over the years, I feel like I have to share and dispel the common myths construed on a very misunderstood condition. However, to avoid going into a verbal tirade, I shall not go rambling on any further. Understanding depression is nearly impossible for someone who does not suffer from it, but at least the acknowledgment of it as an illness has risen over the years. Anyone can be struck down by it. In fact, the strongest characters and personalities in history have suffered from depression before. Here's a few random examples:

• Alexander the Great, king
• Drew Barrymore, actress
• Ludwig von Beethoven, composer
• Jim Carrey, actor and comedian
• Winston Churchill, British prime minister
• Sigmund Freud, psychiatrist
• J.P. Morgan, industrialist
• Sir Isaac Newton, physicist

Sources:
Mood Disorders Association of Manitoba, What Do All These Famous People Have in Common? (poster), August 1999
Celebrity Meltdown, Psychology Today, December 1999, pp. 46-49,70,78

2007 in Pictures

Go here for a slide show

www.flickr.com

A Fremen's Love Song

"Tell me of thine eyes
And I will tell thee of thy heart.
Tell me of thy feet
And I will tell thee of thy hands.
Tell me of thy sleeping
And I will tell thee of thy waking.
Tell me of thy desires
And I will tell thee of thy need."

----------------
Now playing: Depeche Mode - Somebody
via FoxyTunes

spiderpig spiderpng

What to do when you are locked in your own house and it's on fire? Call Spiderpng!

The Definition of ROFLOL

Thresholds (2)

song : Rehab - Amy Winehouse
mood: weary
book-in-hand: Dance Dance Dance - Haruki Murakami

Silence is golden? Silence means consent? I wonder how those phrase came about... Silence might be greatly appreciated at times and even instances where it is sought after, but the part about it meaning consent? Surely not. Silence means just that - silence. An absence of a reply equates to being ignored my dear.

A person can only try so much for so long. A friendship, like any relationship, is a 2 way thing. There comes a time when the ignored text messages and un-returned phone calls or emails get to be too much and regardless of assurances made or words said, friends start to lose their sincerity.The effort, patience, good nature and kind words seem to be trampled underfoot so easily. No, it's not "prevention of misleading"; it is plain disregard, downright rude and just disrespectful. So with time, friends get buried like chipmunk acorns. Some you remember and dig up again, making the effort once more because you believe again. Some take root and sprout up, making the effort to grow back into your life. Others you forget and there they lay buried underground.

Not that I am a stranger to being ignored. I always seem to end up alone in the end. Just when I thought it was possible for someone as twisted as I am to be really accepted and taking the risk to open was worth it after all, I get shot down. The outstretched hand hoping for support, maybe even expecting it in some sense for once, grasped air yet again. In the end, I still have no one but myself and have to face it alone. The defenses and camouflage should never have come down so thoroughly.

Both Stephen King and Haruki Murakami wrote something to the effect of "I'm older now, I don't fall in love so easily now." and the statement struck me as somewhat defeatist and poignant. It does have an element of truth though. Won't you build higher walls everytime you get hurt to protect yourself in the future? Amidst the ever tougher and higher walls you forget one thing: the gates were opened from within every time. It matters not how high or thick your walls are. You might as well do without them to begin with. At least the view will be clearer.

So, what is your threshold for loneliness? How far would you go to work at a relationship? How long will you keep at shoring up your defenses before realising you are just boxing yourself in and not keeping anyone out. No one deserves to be lonely. Being alone is fine, but lonely isn't.

Random Convo

song : Frank Sinatra - Cake
mood: amused
book-in-hand: Hunters of Dune by Brian Herbert (Frank Herbert's son)



Warning.... most people are not expected to comprehend what transpires in the following.....





ML:" I look like Bruce Lee meh? WTF"

SP: "yeah you do, yandao man."

ML: "maybe cos my nose round"

--------------------------------------

ML:"You eat ba zhang? I give you a few, you dun eat much wan"

SP:"Eat zhang until zheng ah"

----------------

SP: "my dog is fat, but my cat cannot put on weight one"

-----------------------

ML: " "arh-kee-tech-ture" "

------------------------

ML: "what happens when u post yr ad on a butch and lesbian site"

-------

SP:"SHAME ON YOU now you watch my little pony!"

----------------------

SP: "do all spanish ppl have moles?"

------------------------

ML: "i just ate chempadak. song"

SP: "shuddup. I dun even know what is that"


ML: " hahaha its the thing, they use to fry, u know

u got goreng pisangu
u got fried champedak
the orange one"

SP:"dunno
dunno
dunno ........DUNNO

Stop describing!!!"

--------------------------------------------------

ML: " eh,u gonna store yr hair
until you come back right"

Top 10 Posts

14/04/05... the birthdate of this blog. It's been 2 years since I've started this blog. Amazing. Ever get the dual feeling of how time flies and yet moves forward at a crawl as well? That description would fit how I feel about this blog right now. As a sort of "birthday gift" to this blog of mine, which has seen me through some of the darkest as well as brightest spots of the past 2 years, I am sifting through the posts and choosing a few gems to be my all time top 10 favourite posts. This was no mean feat of course and I've still labelled the few that have fallen by the wayside under "top 10" even though I won't be mentioning them below. And so, the top 10 are....


10. SingNite!!!

9. Basketball and DOTA times...

8. Lake District

7. In Eternal Randomness

6. I need...

5. Back in.... (February only lah)

4. I am Him

3. The Day Of Handedness

2. Smile

1. La Kopi


Reminder: This blog locks down on the 1st of May

edit: I didn't realise it at first, but this makes it the 2nd hundredth post on this blog! Hmmm...where did the first hundred go?

Remnants

Remnants. Yes, I suppose that is what I would call it. Now that a certain period of time has passed and I am able to look back/around/introspectively with a sheen of protective numbness, it is kind of amusing. What is, you ask? Well, take a gander across my room and you will see the room of a single male student - maybe a little tidier than average - but the pad of a bachelor nonetheless. Funny how just a few simple changes can alter the feeling and atmosphere of person's room so drastically. All it took was for me to put away the triple photo frame (imagine a leather frame that has 3 slots for photos that can be opened and closed like a book) and another photo of Ling and I on the notice board. That's it.

But look a little closer, beyond the obvious. See the white card embossed with silver drops to outline the shape of a heart? No need to guess why it occupies top position on the notice board. The small fan whose soft whirls will lull me to sleep come summer? It travelled a fair distance from Oxney Gardens to Victoria Hall. The letter set she gave me which I only used once. The journal she never found out about - it was really her idea for us to write down thoughts and feelings in a journal and pass them to each other, but she never knew that I started it for real - because I meant to surprise her with it. The extra phone line that was meant to be used exclusively for her. And so the list goes on... down to the very subtly placed jacket we picked out together inPrimark. Every item possessing a memory and feeling.

My point is this: when you truly love someone and share your life with them, it is impossible to extradite them completely out again. I suppose you could say that in a certain way, a little part of them has been infused into you. Of course, it's not just the materialistic items. Locations, situations, interests and many others. I just wanted to refer to items because they are the most tangible.

To deny the past is to deny the truth and what's the point in lying to yourself? Do not deny or try to erase these little nuggets of memories, but cherish them for the good times that were shared. Stop looking upon these remnants of a life shared as articles of a hurt once suffered, for the hurt was in the parting and not the sharing. Instead, remember them for what they truly are - expressions of love. Each and every one of them. Let them warm your heart and tug at your smiles once again. Surely that was the original intention of the person when she/he gave it to you? Back when she gave you a piece of her heart, so that she could touch yours.

Smile

Best line I heard today in conversation: "Life is like a sine curve. After the X-axis it will get better again." It was smart and borderline tacky enough to make me smile. Hehe, but oh so true. What is life if not a tumultuous roller coaster ride? There's always a future to look towards and a past to learn from if you allow it. It's time to accept and through the pain, the heartache and the sadness, to just.. smile. Self-pity is a very painful thing. It only harms yourself. Look for inspiration and motivation in the little things everyday. In songs that you've forgotten in your hard disk. In mundane conversations with friends. In late night chit-chats with flatmates. In the clear blue sky on the walk home. In being alive.

Therefore, today, thank you Mr Cole. Let's smile.

Smile - Nat King Cole

Smile, tho' your heart is aching, 
Smile, even tho' it's breaking 
When there are clouds in the sky, 
You'll get by 
If you smile 
Through your fears and sorrow 
Smile ~ and maybe tomorrow 
You'll see the sun come shining through 
For you.

Light up your face with gladness, 
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear 
May be ever so near 
That's the time you must keep on trying, 
Smile ~ what's the use of crying? 
You'll find that life is still worthwhile 
If you'll just smile. 

Thresholds (1)

Hello there old friend. It's been a long time, back to visit again?


Yes, it has, hasn't it? I believe it was in secondary 2 that we last met? When your youngest Aunt passed away, wasn't it?


That's how long ago it was? I didn't even realise. So, why are you back again this time? Unfinished business?


Oh well... you know me. My business with you is never finished. Hey, it's not like I want to be here you know? You summoned me. I suppose... It is inevitable from the string of events going on in your life.


Hey hey, I didn't exactly invite you either. You just... Came! Yes, I know my thoughts have not been exactly healthy of late, but like you said, can you blame me for my state of mind? It's just a reaction to the circumstances around me, is it not? Even though I can accept you as part of my life, doesn't exactly mean that I want you to be. I would be more than happy to see the back of you, thank you very much.


And I to show it to you, young Master. You, of all people, should know that the link between us is such that the phrase "Unto death do we part" is a mockery. Either you die or dispel me back into the abyss of your heart I call home. Even then, you know I will return. If only to congratulate you for what you may or may not have accomplished as the bells of time keel out your death toll. I exist only because you do.


Be gone then! If your existence is dependent on mine, I demand that you leave me at once in peace.


Alas...It is you who will not let me go.


Blasted creature, you torment me so. For all the raging emotions you stir up in my soul, all actions are also quelled into inaction by your presence. I am impotent to act upon my despair as I drift along with my drained heart. Be gone, I implore you, be gone. Numb are my overworked senses. Tired is my unused body. Restless is my aimless mind.


And tighter does your grip on me ever grow. You watch me - grow stronger, larger and darker as I loom more and more over you - and you despair. You despair and your mute, pointless and mindless sorrow feeds me. It strengthens and emboldens me. You see the source of my power, but yet you still despair. The blasted one is you, insufferable fool.


Silence the mockery you utter. Do you think I am not aware of what you said. By-product of my existence, of course I know what you think. And yet... For that.. a greater fool I am. Helpless to help myself in spite of the knowledge we share. You have me at knife point. This is a checkmate I saw coming and did not avert. I have made you the scapegoat of my suicide, have I not?

I now stand at the threshold. A choice I have to make on the precipice of the plunge. How ironic that the plunge should be into the abyss of my own heart. The halls of your home from which you hail. Funny how my own heart is lethal and treasonous ground.


...to be continued

The Day Of Handedness

Feeling cheeky, a little devil tip toes across my conscience dropping seeds of mischief in the fertile soil of my mind. Manchester is prime land for sprouting thoughts of random whims - the incessant rain nurtures gloomy ideas to pregnant acts filled with eccentricities.

Today, just for one day, I refused to conform to the yoke of society's accepted norms. Such a small act, walking down the street. You veer in and out of the throng, avoiding any possible confrontation by maintaining that bubble of personal space. The cardinal rule of having a minimum distance around every individual. Walking down Market Street today, I switch it off. The little switch of self-suppression where I adhere to the rule that one always shifts to the right when attempting to avoid crossing paths.

It's amazing how many people get flustered when I shift to the left instead of the right. Even if they don't shift in order to avoid me and walk straight on, many still do a double-take as if struck by a sudden case of the "herky-jerkies".

Not that I care. Today is the day I push my civic brain back and not do things for the sake of others. I will walk how I wish and move in whichever manner that is instinctive. Today is the day that I will not make exceptions and suppress my handedness. Today is Sam's Lefty Day.

In Eternal Randomness

Forever for you my dear

ling-a-long sing-a-long go ring-a-long and it'll ding-a-dong


*grins*

Back in.... (February only lah)

Somewhere along the line, I got too melancholy and began filling this blog with pensive muses and nonsensical quizzes. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with those. They do provide a break from the mundane nature of reading about what goes on in my daily life. But wait a minute, hold it right there. Wasn't that the purpose (or at least one of the main reasons, I still retain the rights to rant whenever I want, however I feel like XP) of this blog to begin with? So that my dear ones, no matter how near or far they are, can get a glimpse of how life is for me. What follow are pictures taken in York. It was sort of a daytrip for Ling and me. Just to get away from it away and spend some quality time together. You won't believe how popular that girl is. :P (Felt a sudden twinge of pain in my side there...premonition of something to come? hehe) Oh, here's something for you to gnaw on: In recent times, it has come to pass in our society that it's a bad thing to reminisce about the past. Popular culture deems it as holding onto the past and not looking towards the future. I, for one, am very fond of the nostalgia I feel while thinking of events past. Sitting here in my room, at 0440hrs, it's an excellent way to relax and unwind after a hectic day pounding at the laptop. (do NOT ask me about courseworks just about now. Very bad way to start a conversation.) Thinking back like this helps me re-enforce feelings I have for individuals in my life. It brings back good memories. What so wrong about thinking on them? The fact that I have had good times only spurs me to go on creating more memorable moments.

Alright alright, before I bore you all to sleep, here are the photos as promised :P


Back in feb... it was so cold compared to now! What to do while on the train to York? Sleep of couse! :P Such a pig...

Dreamy eyes ...

All recharged to take on York!



Every little town in UK has a War Memorial. Poppy flowers are traditionally laid out in memory of those who have fallen. It really states how much the War was a real facet of their lives and is still remembered till today. How many can say the same in Singapore? It's a cliche, but do we dare to take our peace for granted?

She: "So cute~~!!" Me:"I wonder how it tastes..." I so deserve to be smacked :P



Choot Choot!!!





3 guesses to which building this Minister Building reminds me of. Clue: It's in a neighbouring country





York was very nice to just walk about and take in the sights. One of the best things about it would be the old fashioned shophouses you see here. You just hop from shop to shop, gazing in the quaint windows till something catches your eye. Window shopping at its enjoyable best. :)

One of the many interesting shops we saw in York.

Another selling point of York: The various tea houses just sort of sprinkled hapazardly around the city centre. Here at The Earl Grey we settled down for lunch. Pity we didn't try the scones, but the tea was fabulous (sorry for the lack of a photo) and the fare good too!

Welsh Rarebit. (For Pete's sake, no I didn't eat a rabbit!)

Ling had some Banger' n Mash. Notice how she's eating so quickly that the camera couldn't keep up? :P

Why so perturbed? Read on...



Up next, Clifford's Tower!











Scaling the steps of Clifford's Tower

The Windy Summit

Viewing the sunset from uptop

York also has some of the best maintained stone walls along the edge of the city. I think they date from medevial times where castles, fords, forts were used.







That's all! Now get your bum on that train.

SingNite!!!

SINGNITE!!! Yes, finally, the pics from the formal dinner and dance night held in Manchester for ALL Singaporeans in U.K. are in. It wasn't a stuffy puffed up event, but more like a social gathering for everyone to have a chance to dress up and have a nice evening together in a relaxed atmosphere. Frankly, despite the cheap wine and horrendous food, I enjoyed myself immensely that night. It must have been the wonderful company I had throughout.

The boyzz

Me n Clifford

Yuan

Some pics at reception before the dinner

Left to Right : Me, Ling, Yovita, Brian

Was sssssssooooo happy that Ling agreed to be my date for the night, even though she was quite reluctant to do so. Can you tell I was just elated and overjoyed? :P



I kid ;P I was absolutely thrilled she came. The fact she enjoyed herself in spite of her earlier reservations made it all the better!

Nice shot of Brian and Cathleen

Shu Mei and Kristie

Our dear Emcees for the event, Sujatha and Clifford

Qi Lian and Kuan Ching

Sebez with the gals

Lay May with Yuan

Shu Mei and Alec

Aaron and Tracy

Brian, smile, show some teeth! Like Yovita

CHEERS!

OOOHHHH~~ Mask neh...

Mei Xuan with Alec... why the boys always dun smile.. even me...

Ling and Clifford smiling nicely together

Clifford, Philemon and Zhi Wei

Me with Best Fwen Shu Mei and Angry Fwen Brian. Hahaha~~

Clifford n me again

Group Hug!

the usual suspects

Table shot

Smile!

That's it! Everyone looked different, didn't they? :) Pat, look, I found someone who turns as red if not redder than you after drinking! However, she doesn't throw it all up afterwards like you do. Thank goodness. XP