Little Truths

Men, chocolate and coffee are all better rich.

Hard and Strong

Song: A&E - Goldfrapp
Book: WoT Book 8 - Robert Jordan

Most people mistake these two to be one and the same, that their meanings are synonymous, even though they couldn't be more different than dogs and cats. Being a 'hard' man doesn't equate to being a 'strong' man.

A 'hard' man refuses to let events affect him. Mutely taking the knocks from life, he bears and endures with the hardships and stands resolute in his beliefs no matter the situation. Thus the tension in him increases as the stress and strain of life's reality test him time upon time. Until he passes his tipping point and has his hopes and dreams deflated like a balloon. Suddenly and dramatically. A 'hard' man is unforgiving, both to others and himself.

A 'strong' man, on the other hand, does let the events around him affect him. Accepting them and learning from them, he allows himself to be shaped by the lessons taught by life. Bending and twisting himself into the best possible sculpture with the materials made available to him, he changes and adapts and most importantly, he evolves. Changing for the better.

So folks, don't be too 'hard' on yourselves, but do rule yourselves with a 'strong' and firm hand. We all need a little discipline sometimes.

Decisions Decisions

I can't believe I am even having this conversation with myself (in my head of course, I am not THAT insane yet) as I mull over my choices yet again. This week saw the confirmation of SIA accepting to sponsor me for pilot training and I should be hearing from them soon when the medical board clears me. However, is this a wise choice? As I went through the first and second round interviews I couldn't help but notice I was the youngest candidate amongst the 60 others and even the interviewers brought this up more than once.

Right now, I am seriously considering working with my mom for a few years and assist her in expanding her business. Yes, it may be a turmoil in the financial world right now, but it is also prime opportunity to make one's own stake in the world.

The pros and cons of the 3 main options left to me now have been weighed and re-weighed again over in my mind. Come Shanghai, when I visit it with my Mom, will be the final factor in my decision making as I experience once again what is it like to be working for (not with, for) my Mom and if I can contribute positively to expanding her businesses.

This Is Very Unlike Me

book-in-hand: desperately searching for a good book
mood: stressed
song: Zutons - Nightmare Part II

To be totally stumped over a decision and not able to sort things out mentally. This is probably one of the most important choices I have had to make in my life so far and yet I am sitting on the fence undecided. Am I scared? Not informed appropriately? I wish there was someone I could talk to about it, but then again that too is very unlike me.

This has to be settled soon, life can't go on in stasis like this.

The World Is A Happier Place

pictures and graphs courtesy of New Scientist

Notice how Singapore has very conspicuously not provided any data to participate in this survey? Either by omission or non-participation, we're in the 'grey' area along with other 'ulu' countries like... Greenland and most of Northern Africa. In fact, the whole of South East Asia has been left out!

Maybe politicians up in the higher echelons of the government service are just too busy lately with the happenings in the region.

Malaysia: Anwar getting sodomised.. err.. sorry, the official word is the other way around: a 60 year old man forced himself on a 23 year old youth in the prime of his life. This seedy old pervert has to be thrown back into jail quickly! BEFORE he has the chance to garner more defectors into his opposition party preferably.

Singapore: According to the rumour mill at www.mrbrown.com the current BMT is all set to undergo a revolution to curb the worrying trend of low birth rates in Singapore. All able bodied young Singaporeans are to do their part for the nation in Basic Mating Training. Don't worry about rising living standards and record breaking inflation rates. The government needs more citizens to suck money from! The government realises that Singaporeans are worried about the ever increasing number of foreigners on our little island, but don't worry as they are just a temporary measure to suck on before the expected baby boom. Which will definitely come by the way, because Singaporeans are always so good in listening to instructions. 真听话！

Alright, hopefully all of those smoke screens thrown at the National Day Rally about how Lee Inc. is really giving back to Singaporeans by installing more ERP gantries and taking more money from them in these times of rising prices is for their own good worked. We need to forget that Temasek Holdings made a PROFIT of 13 BILLION dollars this year using funds provided by normal Singaporeans. Oh, if possible, please forget how the last general elections witnessed the largest showing of support for the opposition parties ever and our Prime Minister lost 1/3 of the votes in his own constituency to a young upstart female politician who no one has ever heard of.

Thailand: More riots. More invocations from the public for the King to step in and take charge of the government. In fact, I think if Thailand doesn't have its usual coup de'tat once in a while, the country might actually be even more unhappy!

With so much to handle, no wonder governments in SEA didn't have time to bother with such triffling surveys. Who cares how happy the people are? Pfft.



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Now playing: Eagles - Hotel California
via FoxyTunes

Hungry Ghost Festival

Ah Gong, Ah Ma, Zhong Tai is finally back from the U.K. after completing his studies. I've brought my certificate today and you can look at it later when I burn it together with your money. I know it's in English, but I've written your names in Chinese on the back of it so that you know it's meant for you. Ah Gong knows our surname "Png" in English and you can see it on the front.

Thank you for watching over me the past 3 years. I'm sorry for being away from home so often the previous 8 years and didn't spend much time with you in your final years. Please forgive my failure to serve you and repay the kindness and love you gave in bringing me up as a child. I'm back, Zhong Tai is home. Job hunting has been alright, but I haven't accepted any offers yet because I want to try my hand at applying to be a pilot. You know how much I like planes, even as a young boy back in Lor. Ah Soo.

Take care Ah Gong, Ah Ma. We all miss you.


Translated from Hokkien thus the awkward structuring at times. I can just imagine my Grandpa sighing and asking why does a Teochew boy speak Hokkien and Cantonese but not his mother dialect? :P

Last Day In Manchester

Fittingly, my last dinner in Manchester was in the cosy setting of Room Manchester Restaurant. I've come to really like the friendly service and good, but affordable food served here. Maybe friends have even come to associate the place with me!

My last day in Manchester was surprisingly beautiful. The sun was out the whole day and the temperature pleasantly cool. To top it all off, we saw this rainbow from our table side window during dinner. You can barely see it... but it is there.

I don't mean to be melodramatic, but it is as if Manchester was saying goodbye to me and reminding me that there is always something good and beautiful in life. Just pay a little more attention and put in a bit more effort, it will all be worth while when you do see that rainbow that was there all along, waiting for you to discover it.

Goodbye Manchester. Fare you well. Thank you for the memories.


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Now playing: 似曾相识 - David Tao
via FoxyTunes

Over The Seas

book-in-hand: searching
mood: boxed up

3 years all packed into 4 boxes. That is 3 years of me drifting over the seas now. Life kind of takes on a weird perspective when it can all be packed neatly into small boxes. If I wanted to, I could throw all those 4 boxes away and start anew again in Singapore.

24 hours to lift off.

Sunny came home to her favourite room
Sunny sat down in the kitchen
She opened a book and a box of tools
Sunny came home with a mission



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Now playing: Shawn Colvin - Sunny Came Home
via FoxyTunes

Some People Watch TV Shows, I Watch Webclips.

I want to....


Travel the world:



Get high on adrenaline:





And be able to meet you with as much joy years down the road.

"Love knows no limits and true friendship lasts a lifetime.
Get back in touch with someone today.
You'll be glad you did."

What's Left?

It's the final countdown. Last few days in Manchester before I fly to Greece and then home to Singapore. I find myself wandering alone on the streets of this city more and more everyday. How many days can go by before you utter a single word? The last time I went mute, it lasted.. a week. I just didn't have anything to say. Silence, however, is deafening.

So... what to do? Nothing. I shall wait for the sun to come out and go for another city excursion. :)

Freedom

This past weekend, I grew wings and jumped into the sky for the freedom I finally attained. I have nothing...nothing... NOTHING left to do in my university career! I didn't even feel the exhaustion set in until much later, surviving on pure adrenaline for the remainder of the day.

I am so free now and yet not as well at the same time. So much of 'so little time' left before 20th July comes along. How I wish I had control over time some times.


p.s. 'I am obviously not in the most lucid of minds right now. Must be groggy from just waking up, but I am not editing or correcting these lines. They are meant to convey what I'm thinking and feeling after all.'

Who Am I? (II)

This was a rather hard post in the making, considering the soul searching and self-examination involved in it. Looking at old posts like this and photos I've kept. I don't know what sparked this round of reminiscence, but it comes as a milestone of sorts.

I have finally walked out of the shadow of my failed relationship with Ling and fixed a part of me that has lain broken and scarred for well beyond a year. It was a very ugly me that faced the world in the ensuing months after the break up and I am glad to finally leave it behind. The sense of relief and lightness in the heart grows with each palpitation in my chest and smiles aren't so hard to conjure up any more.

In a way, I am terribly ashamed at how long it has taken me to get over Ling. Not that I harboured any thoughts of getting back together with her, but just that I never stopped letting it hurt me. And that was the crux of my problem: I allowed it to go on causing me grief. Wallowing in sorrow and self-hate, I refused to believe that a wretched soul like myself deserves to be happy - I've never given so much of myself to anyone before, so if the whole and sum of me can be rejected like that, surely it means there is seriously something wrong with me and I don't deserve to love and be loved? It was the realisation of all my childhood fears from my parents' separation. I was a defect with a warped heart after all.


After spending a summer running from my problems (all that travelling only served to conceal the turmoil brewing in me) and returning to Manchester with a jaded outlook on life, days just passed me by without any significance and meaning. The energy and vibrancy I once had was lost and I wasn't really trying to rediscover it to begin with. I still try my best not to dampen the moods - especially with Brian, Clarence and Kuan, but I think they could sense something was wrong with me and gradually they left me alone too. I think Brian was almost a little overwhelmed and shocked at my grief. It was in such stark contrast to his blossoming love with Lily it was ironic.

They say that time heals all wounds. That's bullshit. You have to make a concentrated effort to fill up the hole left gaping inside of you. If left alone, even with time, it'll just get deeper and darker as it tries to pull you under. Therefore it was so tiring to maintain the effort needed that I nearly stopped treading water and thought it would be easier to just sink into the abyss. Unfeeling and cocooned from the world in the darkness.

The break-through came recently and it was an enlightenment to say the least. With small nudges and prods from a friend, I stirred from my hole and looked out instead of inwards. Little by little I found myself wanting to reach out again. To share thoughts and feelings with someone else. To love again. The kind that transcends romance and doesn't expect anything in return, but just content in the good company. I think it's called "family". Where effort seems to come forward effortlessly. The atrophied muscle that is my heart is in use again and it is relishing the exercise it is finally getting. So my patchy heart is getting sewn up now and it wants to fly - solo for now until a partner joins in.

So who am I? I still don't know, but I know that I actually crave to be more and better once again. Thus life is golden. Super Golden full of energy hanging upside down from the ceiling kind of golden.





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Now playing: Ippie Mix
via FoxyTunes

Who Am I?

I don't know, yet.

Life is a journey to discover about yourself anyway.

Fragmented Thoughts

Found out another friend is 4 months pregnant after trying with her husband for 2 years. This is the year of marital/familial bliss for my batch it seems! With marriages and pregnancies and births going around.... (No I am not feeling left out) My friend has asked me for suggestions in naming her baby and Samuel seems to be her top choice for a boy and Amelia for a girl.

Can eyes pop out from too much revision? Tired...

Saw a documentary on TV regarding sex addiction. Various chemicals named in it and how the chemical process stimulates the brain in numerous ways that could lead to something akin to drug addiction. Sure does empower sex's hold on life. Love still rules though. How often do you hear someone killing themselves after getting rejected sex? Compare that to how often you hear about depression brought on by emotional stress or love problems. Love is definitely more essential than sex.

Was watching Shutter yesterday on my computer during my lunch break. Thai horror film. I think my stomach/appetite for scary films is getting weaker with my advancing years. I was totally freaked out in my room as I watched it alone. Even though it was bright and sunny. Good movie though. Scared me BAD. Almost as bad as the Chinese horror film The Eye.

Pasta really is the quintessential student meal. Fast, simple, filling and endless variation.

I wonder how I even function efficiently when my thoughts seem to be trains on railway tracks bound to crash into each other from every other direction. If the proverbial train of thought is the typical landscape imagery for everyone's mind, I would think mine is more like a room of bubbles floating and bumping/merging/separating from each other in the mist. How lovely.

My Uni Education Has Ended

What? No fanfare, party poppers or thrown confetti? Hard to believe that just a few hours before the end of my final lecture I was still slogging over a final piece of coursework till 6am in the morning. And yesterday went something like this:

10am- Hmmmm... last piece of course work to finish :) Yay~~

10:30am- Breakfast!! Fruit n Fibre yum. *turns on anime*

12:30pm- GAH! Work!!!

3:30pm- Whew... last question left. Making good time. *beams*

3:45pm- Chicken Curry Noodles for lunch.

4:30pm - Last dash and I'm all done! *work work*

6:30pm - *work work??*

7:30pm - Ahhhhhh... Going round in circles and can't solve for a final unknown in the stupid edge front cracked question with symbols that are undefined and unreal......

8:30pm - Ok, not getting anywhere even after checking, double checking and re-rechecking workings...start again from the top.

9:00pm - *Sudden inspiration* Maybe I can tackle it from a different angle if I do a 2nd differential and incorporate the cyclic loading into the stress fatigue of the mild steel. Yah! *renewed gusto*

10:30pm - RAH!!!!!!!!! Stu..pid... wasdawdwasdawdaslkdjlkajsdlakwjd;alskjd;alkwjd;slakdj... GRAH. Ended up with a different unsolvable unknown instead. Can't do a simultaneous equation with previous unknown as that element is not present in this method after differentiating. *twirls pen in comatose silence and begins process of turning into stone*

11:00pm - Revives self and goes out for a walk to take in fresh air and makan.

00:00am - Throws lecture's notes aside and starts educating self on industrial standards and methods in analysing metal strength/integrity/stress intensity factor/life cycle.

4:00am - Attains mini-degree and becomes chartered Life Cycle Engineer

6:00am - FINISHES LAST SAID QUESTION!!!!!


Conclusion? I could have skipped all the lectures and just taught myself the module to take the exams in... 4 hours of intense work. GRRR...


11:12hrs 09/05/2008 marks the end of a long windy road that I sometimes thought I would never complete. Now after finishing the 5 papers that somehow serve to be the crystallisation of the knowledge gleamed, I'll be applying myself to the test of the real world.

Exam Timetable

This is it, the final 5 papers I will be taking as an undergraduate student here in the University of Manchester's faculty of Mechanical, Aerospace and Civil Engineering (MACE). Fittingly and mercifully, the hardest paper is also the last of them all.


1. Management 3 @ 15/05/2008 from 0945 - 1145

2. Advanced Aircraft Design @ 19/05/2008 from 0945 - 1145

3. Aeroacoustic @ 21/05/2008 from 0945 - 1145

4. Advanced Aerospace Propulsion @ 29/05/2008 from 0945 - 1145


5. Advanced Aerospace Structures @ 30/05/2008 from 1400 - 1600

A pretty well spread out schedule for me as revision hits the high gears now. Tat will be camping in the library as usual while I get into my own routine of guzzling countless cups of Chinese Tea and pumping music out in order to drown out Clarence's.

Conversation topics nowadays among friends invariably gravitate towards what one's plans for the future might be and if you are in the "stay in UK and tough it out" camp or the "going home to where you belong" camp. Personally, I don't have a preference for either choices, but career prospects for the aerospace industry in Asia are booming right now with Singapore as a prime location to dive into the field and get involved in the growth of the business due the country's huge investments and contributions to China's and India's expanding market in aero-nautical transportation. (Both passenger and freight)

Thus the beginning of the end is upon us, but I am actually looking forward to embarking onto the next phase. Before all of that though, farewells have to be said and hugs given to people you suddenly realise you won't see again - possibly forever. It is definitely a bitter-sweet experience leaving the UK for good after spending nearly 6 years here interspersed with my National Service in between. The connections and bonds made however, I will bring them home with me and put in every effort to ensure they aren't severed. For it is thanks to these one or two connections that I have had the opportunity to experience love here in Manchester. So, thank you, I love you too.

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Now playing: Nicole Kidman - One Day I'll Fly Away
via FoxyTunes

Time Passes Too Quickly When You Enjoy Yourself

Went shopping today in town and with more than a little bit of help from Booh! I managed to get myself a pair of sandals for the upcoming summer. Yes, I went shopping, you can close that mouth on your gob-smacked face before a fly goes down that throat and chokes you.

Random thought of the day: You prepare for the same kind of weather in Manchester or Singapore in Spring/Summer. Rain and Sun. So you head out with an odd mix of sunglasses and raincoats/umbrella in your berms and sandals.

Was a little shocked though near the end of the day. Even worried. Really hope that this weekend isn't the last time I get to chill out in such a care-free spirit. I haven't enjoyed myself and bonded with someone so much in a long time and it would be depressing to think it could also be the last.

Other than that, EXAMS. 5 papers starting the 15th of May and come 30th May I will be taking the last paper of my undergraduate life. Time to break out that huge tea strainer again.



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Now playing: Orson - Bright Idea
via FoxyTunes

Loving Isn't Easy/Hard

忘 不

了 知
爱 不
人 觉
的 不
人 想
， ，
被 无
爱 文
也 无
不 心
知 无
福 思
。 。

很想去爱一个能知道爱的人。所以，在那之前，我得好好爱我自己。让将来遇见我的她会觉得我们俩都值得被爱。

Living With Depression

Save me from myself
I know better but I can't help myself

-Sam Png

It's a constant struggle when you suffer from depression. Speaking from a personal point of view, there's a vast chasm between the clinically depressed and the emotionally depressed that is greater than what people perceive it to be. Not to take anything away from those emotionally depressed, but the life of a clinically depressed (CD) person is like an endless cycle of wars waged within yourself. I am not going through a negative phase currently, but somewhere in the back of my mind is the knowledge that it will hit me out of the blue again with no warning and maybe even no real reason. One could even be depressed over being depressed.

External factors are not always necessary to make a person depressed. It is now known that chemical changes in the brain can lead to depression without any external precipitating factor. It's not so much that we don't want to enjoy the pleasures of life, but more of how the events themselves don't give us as much pleasure anymore. Try imagining that you're watching your favourite movie, but only on old film with faded colours and scratchy audio - you just don't enjoy it as much anymore.

I feel like I have so much more to expunge on this topic... Maybe it's because I've come to terms with it some more over the years, I feel like I have to share and dispel the common myths construed on a very misunderstood condition. However, to avoid going into a verbal tirade, I shall not go rambling on any further. Understanding depression is nearly impossible for someone who does not suffer from it, but at least the acknowledgment of it as an illness has risen over the years. Anyone can be struck down by it. In fact, the strongest characters and personalities in history have suffered from depression before. Here's a few random examples:

• Alexander the Great, king
• Drew Barrymore, actress
• Ludwig von Beethoven, composer
• Jim Carrey, actor and comedian
• Winston Churchill, British prime minister
• Sigmund Freud, psychiatrist
• J.P. Morgan, industrialist
• Sir Isaac Newton, physicist

Sources:
Mood Disorders Association of Manitoba, What Do All These Famous People Have in Common? (poster), August 1999
Celebrity Meltdown, Psychology Today, December 1999, pp. 46-49,70,78

Photography

Warnings first: A photo deluge follows this!

Looking through past photographs taken, I realise that I have always been sort of semi-serious about photography. I know the basics about aperture and shutter speed, but that's about the extent of it. Lighting and settings are things which are still beyond me and frankly, I don't think I will be overly concerned about those variables any time soon. After all, the kind of photos I want to take aren't modelled shots. I am looking for the natural beauty in things to present themselves and capture them in that infinitely breath-taking moment.

There's only so little you can do with the lens on a digital camera though. Fiddle with it as much as you like, but the capabilities are limited. The next obvious step would be a digital SLR (Digital Single Reflex Lens) camera that offers better optics for low light conditions outdoors, a richer colour capture, less shutter lag, more manual control and much more depth. Basically, it does everything your digital camera does BUT better.

Below are photos that have got me wondering how it would have turned out with a better camera. Do I really want to sacrifice the convenience of a nifty point and shoot digicam with a bulky DSLR? It's not as simple as just getting a DSLR either. If you're going to get one, the additional accessories are a must or you might as well not get into serious photography to being with. Throw in the memory card, tripod, lens extension, carry case, cleaning kit and spare battery will probably rack up a bill of about $1500 to $2000 SGD depending on the brand and model you're buying. That is a huge price tag for a hobby. It is the equivalent of 10 top-notch basketball shoes, 20 A-grade basketballs, 2-3 superb semi-acoustic guitars with amplifiers included or 6 fabulous snorkelling trips on Malaysian or Thai islands! Perhaps it's still not the time yet for such a hefty investment.

p.s. the quality of the photos might appear better if viewed on flickr on this link