What's Breakable

Who Am I? (II)

This was a rather hard post in the making, considering the soul searching and self-examination involved in it. Looking at old posts like this and photos I've kept. I don't know what sparked this round of reminiscence, but it comes as a milestone of sorts.

I have finally walked out of the shadow of my failed relationship with Ling and fixed a part of me that has lain broken and scarred for well beyond a year. It was a very ugly me that faced the world in the ensuing months after the break up and I am glad to finally leave it behind. The sense of relief and lightness in the heart grows with each palpitation in my chest and smiles aren't so hard to conjure up any more.

In a way, I am terribly ashamed at how long it has taken me to get over Ling. Not that I harboured any thoughts of getting back together with her, but just that I never stopped letting it hurt me. And that was the crux of my problem: I allowed it to go on causing me grief. Wallowing in sorrow and self-hate, I refused to believe that a wretched soul like myself deserves to be happy - I've never given so much of myself to anyone before, so if the whole and sum of me can be rejected like that, surely it means there is seriously something wrong with me and I don't deserve to love and be loved? It was the realisation of all my childhood fears from my parents' separation. I was a defect with a warped heart after all.


After spending a summer running from my problems (all that travelling only served to conceal the turmoil brewing in me) and returning to Manchester with a jaded outlook on life, days just passed me by without any significance and meaning. The energy and vibrancy I once had was lost and I wasn't really trying to rediscover it to begin with. I still try my best not to dampen the moods - especially with Brian, Clarence and Kuan, but I think they could sense something was wrong with me and gradually they left me alone too. I think Brian was almost a little overwhelmed and shocked at my grief. It was in such stark contrast to his blossoming love with Lily it was ironic.

They say that time heals all wounds. That's bullshit. You have to make a concentrated effort to fill up the hole left gaping inside of you. If left alone, even with time, it'll just get deeper and darker as it tries to pull you under. Therefore it was so tiring to maintain the effort needed that I nearly stopped treading water and thought it would be easier to just sink into the abyss. Unfeeling and cocooned from the world in the darkness.

The break-through came recently and it was an enlightenment to say the least. With small nudges and prods from a friend, I stirred from my hole and looked out instead of inwards. Little by little I found myself wanting to reach out again. To share thoughts and feelings with someone else. To love again. The kind that transcends romance and doesn't expect anything in return, but just content in the good company. I think it's called "family". Where effort seems to come forward effortlessly. The atrophied muscle that is my heart is in use again and it is relishing the exercise it is finally getting. So my patchy heart is getting sewn up now and it wants to fly - solo for now until a partner joins in.

So who am I? I still don't know, but I know that I actually crave to be more and better once again. Thus life is golden. Super Golden full of energy hanging upside down from the ceiling kind of golden.





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Now playing: Ippie Mix
via FoxyTunes

Who Am I?

I don't know, yet.

Life is a journey to discover about yourself anyway.

www.failblog.org

Pages and pages of funny pics at www.failblog.org. Check it out, I laughed quite hard at a few of them.

Happy Birthday Jintao

me, Lao Wei and Jintao

Have a great 24th 小刘 day my friend :) It was nice catching up with you for a while over the phone, brought back a whole rush of Dulwich College memories and more. Can't believe it's been 8 years since we've first met in that boarding home in south London.

Hope we do meet up again soon and when we do it should be the 3 bandits reunited, it's been too long since Hong Kong in the summer and that weekend in London during March. Best wishes and God bless!

Longing and Separation

Now from his breast into his eyes the ache
of longing mounted, and he wept at last,
his dear wife, clear and faithful, in his arms,
longed for as the sunwarmed earth is longed for by a swimmer
spent in rough water where his ship went down
under Poseidon's blows,gale winds and tons of sea.
Few men can keep alive through a big surf
to crawl, clotted with brine, on kindly beaches
in joy, in joy, knowing the abyss behind:
and so she too rejoiced, her gaze upon her husband,
her white arms round him pressed as though forever.

- from, The Odyssey
Homer

Time to go...

So it begins. The time to get my feet wet and start slaying these papers have begun. The imagery in my mind is something like that of a trench battlefield - just try your best to last through it all and don't make any stupid mistakes. First up, Management 3!


Oooo...It seems that going to NY might be possible after all this summer. We'll see how things go after SIA and Krisflyer gets back to me regarding that free ticket.

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Now playing: Ryan Cabrera - In Between Lights
via FoxyTunes

A Jedi, You Will Be?

Taken from Wiki

England and Wales

In England and Wales 390,127 people (0.7 percent) stated their religion as Jedi on their 2001 Census forms, surpassing Sikhism, Judaism, and Buddhism, and making it the fourth largest reported religion in the country. The highest percentages of such responses were typically in cities with high student populations.^[10] In the 2001 Census 2.6 percent of the population of Brighton claimed to be Jedi. The percentages of religious affiliations were:

• Christian: 72.0%
• No religion: 14.8%
• Chose not to respond: 7.7%
• Muslim: 3.1%
• Hindu: 1.1%
• Jedi: 0.7%

Read in the news about how the founder of the Jedi Church was assaulted by a man with metal crutches while screaming "DARTH VADER!". The irony of the situation really got me laughing and piqued my curiosity enough to try and find out how true this 'religion' is. Seems like the Jedi faith is strong! It's the 4th largest religion in England and Wales.

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Now playing: Dave Matthews - Ants Marching
via FoxyTunes

Ah! Found it!

Like a thunderbolt out of nowhere. I realise the word I was grasping for that day is bourgeois.

Now, back to revision.

Fragmented Thoughts

Found out another friend is 4 months pregnant after trying with her husband for 2 years. This is the year of marital/familial bliss for my batch it seems! With marriages and pregnancies and births going around.... (No I am not feeling left out) My friend has asked me for suggestions in naming her baby and Samuel seems to be her top choice for a boy and Amelia for a girl.

Can eyes pop out from too much revision? Tired...

Saw a documentary on TV regarding sex addiction. Various chemicals named in it and how the chemical process stimulates the brain in numerous ways that could lead to something akin to drug addiction. Sure does empower sex's hold on life. Love still rules though. How often do you hear someone killing themselves after getting rejected sex? Compare that to how often you hear about depression brought on by emotional stress or love problems. Love is definitely more essential than sex.

Was watching Shutter yesterday on my computer during my lunch break. Thai horror film. I think my stomach/appetite for scary films is getting weaker with my advancing years. I was totally freaked out in my room as I watched it alone. Even though it was bright and sunny. Good movie though. Scared me BAD. Almost as bad as the Chinese horror film The Eye.

Pasta really is the quintessential student meal. Fast, simple, filling and endless variation.

I wonder how I even function efficiently when my thoughts seem to be trains on railway tracks bound to crash into each other from every other direction. If the proverbial train of thought is the typical landscape imagery for everyone's mind, I would think mine is more like a room of bubbles floating and bumping/merging/separating from each other in the mist. How lovely.

Pick Up The Phone

It's Mother's Day today. Have you called home yet?

Very Full @ Michael Caines

Lunch was a grazing affair at Michael Caine's in Abode Manchester with many dainty little dishes to excite your palette in different ways. The idea of a western dim sum style lunch to have as much choice as possible without over stuffing oneself was well executed here as I was thoroughly satisfied.

The marrying of Asian herbs with scallops was skilfully done and the Japanese mushrooms with sesame seaweed and bean sprouts that accompanied the fish served as a refreshing counterpoint to the strong lemongrass foam sauce.

Not that the classical European styled dishes were lacking in any quality either! The duck risotto is probably one of the best risotto I've ever had and I really hope it is something the chef can pull off consistently and not just an one-off on the day. Nothing much to say about the lamb as it was just classically cooked, but very flavourful and presented very elegantly.

Overall, 3.8/5 as I felt the chef was a little too enthusiastic about using foam as a novelty point in the dishes. It loses to Room's rating of 4.25/5 only for price, even when not using the Magnificent 7 offer they have in Room. Service was very friendly and attentive (might have to do with how only 3 tables were occupied) and the staff knew the menu well. Very enjoyable experience and I am looking forward to returning and try the set lunch menu.

Duck confit risotto -

Wild mushrooms

Pan-fried scallops -

Caramelised cauliflower purée,
sweet raisin vinaigrette and cauliflower
and cumin velouté

Best-end of Herdwick lamb

Onion and thyme purée, fondant potato
and tapenade jus

Slow poached sea bass -

Thai purée, stir-fry of mangetout,
shiitake mushrooms and bean sprouts
with lemongrass foam

Passion fruit soufflée -

vanilla bourbon ice cream

Millefeuille banana parfait -

caramelised banana and lime coulis

My Uni Education Has Ended

What? No fanfare, party poppers or thrown confetti? Hard to believe that just a few hours before the end of my final lecture I was still slogging over a final piece of coursework till 6am in the morning. And yesterday went something like this:

10am- Hmmmm... last piece of course work to finish :) Yay~~

10:30am- Breakfast!! Fruit n Fibre yum. *turns on anime*

12:30pm- GAH! Work!!!

3:30pm- Whew... last question left. Making good time. *beams*

3:45pm- Chicken Curry Noodles for lunch.

4:30pm - Last dash and I'm all done! *work work*

6:30pm - *work work??*

7:30pm - Ahhhhhh... Going round in circles and can't solve for a final unknown in the stupid edge front cracked question with symbols that are undefined and unreal......

8:30pm - Ok, not getting anywhere even after checking, double checking and re-rechecking workings...start again from the top.

9:00pm - *Sudden inspiration* Maybe I can tackle it from a different angle if I do a 2nd differential and incorporate the cyclic loading into the stress fatigue of the mild steel. Yah! *renewed gusto*

10:30pm - RAH!!!!!!!!! Stu..pid... wasdawdwasdawdaslkdjlkajsdlakwjd;alskjd;alkwjd;slakdj... GRAH. Ended up with a different unsolvable unknown instead. Can't do a simultaneous equation with previous unknown as that element is not present in this method after differentiating. *twirls pen in comatose silence and begins process of turning into stone*

11:00pm - Revives self and goes out for a walk to take in fresh air and makan.

00:00am - Throws lecture's notes aside and starts educating self on industrial standards and methods in analysing metal strength/integrity/stress intensity factor/life cycle.

4:00am - Attains mini-degree and becomes chartered Life Cycle Engineer

6:00am - FINISHES LAST SAID QUESTION!!!!!


Conclusion? I could have skipped all the lectures and just taught myself the module to take the exams in... 4 hours of intense work. GRRR...


11:12hrs 09/05/2008 marks the end of a long windy road that I sometimes thought I would never complete. Now after finishing the 5 papers that somehow serve to be the crystallisation of the knowledge gleamed, I'll be applying myself to the test of the real world.

Field Day

My newly acquired sandals were broken in today for the very purpose I bought them: sunny days in the park! :) My solar batteries are fully charged and I'm good for another few hours of intense revision.

Sandals: "Hello world~~"

Close up Non-Squeaky

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Now playing: Rufus Wainwright - Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk
via FoxyTunes

Exam Timetable

This is it, the final 5 papers I will be taking as an undergraduate student here in the University of Manchester's faculty of Mechanical, Aerospace and Civil Engineering (MACE). Fittingly and mercifully, the hardest paper is also the last of them all.


1. Management 3 @ 15/05/2008 from 0945 - 1145

2. Advanced Aircraft Design @ 19/05/2008 from 0945 - 1145

3. Aeroacoustic @ 21/05/2008 from 0945 - 1145

4. Advanced Aerospace Propulsion @ 29/05/2008 from 0945 - 1145


5. Advanced Aerospace Structures @ 30/05/2008 from 1400 - 1600

A pretty well spread out schedule for me as revision hits the high gears now. Tat will be camping in the library as usual while I get into my own routine of guzzling countless cups of Chinese Tea and pumping music out in order to drown out Clarence's.

Conversation topics nowadays among friends invariably gravitate towards what one's plans for the future might be and if you are in the "stay in UK and tough it out" camp or the "going home to where you belong" camp. Personally, I don't have a preference for either choices, but career prospects for the aerospace industry in Asia are booming right now with Singapore as a prime location to dive into the field and get involved in the growth of the business due the country's huge investments and contributions to China's and India's expanding market in aero-nautical transportation. (Both passenger and freight)

Thus the beginning of the end is upon us, but I am actually looking forward to embarking onto the next phase. Before all of that though, farewells have to be said and hugs given to people you suddenly realise you won't see again - possibly forever. It is definitely a bitter-sweet experience leaving the UK for good after spending nearly 6 years here interspersed with my National Service in between. The connections and bonds made however, I will bring them home with me and put in every effort to ensure they aren't severed. For it is thanks to these one or two connections that I have had the opportunity to experience love here in Manchester. So, thank you, I love you too.

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Now playing: Nicole Kidman - One Day I'll Fly Away
via FoxyTunes

Time Passes Too Quickly When You Enjoy Yourself

Went shopping today in town and with more than a little bit of help from Booh! I managed to get myself a pair of sandals for the upcoming summer. Yes, I went shopping, you can close that mouth on your gob-smacked face before a fly goes down that throat and chokes you.

Random thought of the day: You prepare for the same kind of weather in Manchester or Singapore in Spring/Summer. Rain and Sun. So you head out with an odd mix of sunglasses and raincoats/umbrella in your berms and sandals.

Was a little shocked though near the end of the day. Even worried. Really hope that this weekend isn't the last time I get to chill out in such a care-free spirit. I haven't enjoyed myself and bonded with someone so much in a long time and it would be depressing to think it could also be the last.

Other than that, EXAMS. 5 papers starting the 15th of May and come 30th May I will be taking the last paper of my undergraduate life. Time to break out that huge tea strainer again.



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Now playing: Orson - Bright Idea
via FoxyTunes

Full of Hot Air