If you found out

If you found out very specifically that you had EXACTLY 24 hours left to live. To the second, what would you do? You are very sure that there is no hope of rescue and in fact, these 24 hours are a gift when your body will not fail you in any endeavour you might have. You will not feel ill in any way till the alloted hour is up. How would you spend these 24 hours?

I think this would be a very interesting question. The manner one would spend the precious moments left will definintely change with the years. What I choose to do with my remaining time now will not necessarily be the same if I ask myself the same questions 5 years down the road. This shall be my little project then. Every 5 years I shall ask myself this very question again, on the end of the year. Let's see, what happens. And so... on with this year's... ending notes.

I find out at 7am in the moring:

1. As any normal human being would, I will need some time to reflect when this news is broken to me. Time to think back on how this short life has passed and what I have managed to do these past 23 years. At this point in time, I think I will not let anyone know of my impending departure. I do not wish for anyone around me to treat me differently just because the end is nigh. Sorting out my piority and getting myself into the right frame of mind to do this last rite of lifehood.

time left: 23 hours (8am)

2. I would have breakfast with my mother and talk to her over the meal. Ask her how is work, business and the guys chasing after her. (My mom is not one for lack of suitors, known that since MRT first rolled out in Singapore) Do the dishes and then send her to work. Talk to her again on the way to Mandai in the car. Times have been tough for everyone in the family and it helps everyone to know there's someone who still bothers.

time left: 21 hours (10am)

3. Getting home from Mandai, I would call my financial planner and ensure that all my assets are in place. Having made sure of that, a check with the company's lawyer to make certain that my will is drafted and properly handled. At this point in my life, I have no family to care for and as such, I will be leaving half of my remainings to my younger sister. There is the added clause that she will only be able to use the money for the following reasons: To finance her own education, a HDB flat, medical fees and/or those of her children (my nieces and nephews basically).

That done, I will be giving $5000SGD each to Ling, Uncle Han, Auntie Heok, Auntie Yang, ML and RB. Ling's just started work and things aren't too easy for her financially. Hopefully a little aid in her attaining financially stability will ease her stress load a little.

Times are hard for my Uncle and Aunties as well. Especially so for my Uncle in New Zealand. Their household has to depend on his wife as the sole source of income at the time being and living in a rented house all the time can't be nice. Hopefully with this little cash he can go and get something nice for the 2 kids, his wife and himself.

Whatever may remain, I will be leaving for my Mom. She doesn't really need the money, but since I can't be around anymore, this the least I should give back to her for all the hard work she's done through the years for my sister and I. Dad, I am not worried about. He has more than the needed cash reserves to retire comfortably in a few years time.

That settles the money. I hope. A will should make things neater. Not like the mess that ensued when my grandmother and then my grandfather passed on. That was ugly.

time left: 20 hours. (11am)

4. I will try to meet Ling for lunch at Mohd Sultan.

Try I say. Why?

It's not a guaranteed thing that she will be able to meet me for lunch. Work is a piority for her right this moment. Not much of a choice there, considering the line she is in. Long hours, commitment and fatigue is piecemeal. All the more so since she just got confirmed by her employer and will be expected to perform up to or even above standards. They have got high hopes for her I think. Workaholic my is my gal's middle name. :) Alchie is her last, in case you were wondering.

Even if she should not be able to make lunch, would still pop by at lunch time to give her a slice of cake in a box from one of the places she likes. Just because. I lie. It is because I would still like a glimpse of her even so. On my last day. Hopefully she won't be irritated at my impudence and demanding ways (which should surprise her a little) and I will get a last hug and smile as she totters back up the stairs she just came down from. Inside the box there will be a chic little card accompanying the cake, inviting my Darling to a dinner that evening that will totally cooked and prepared by me for her, my mom and my sister. The 3 girls in my life.

time left: 17 hours (2pm)

5. Grocery shopping in preparation for the final dinner. Thinking of the menu (might as well indulge myself since I do like cooking) I will probably do my Japanese Hamburgers. The ones that have both pork and beef in them with bread to help hold them together. The braised pork ribs that I recently mastered (they really taste like divine Kung Bah but without the fat from the pork belly). Flash fried broccolli with carrots and mushrooms because everyone I'm cooking for loves them. Especially Ling. Will also cook some Xiao Bai Cai with garlic because I have always liked some leaves in my meal. Will order those cute little cups of tiramitsu from www.tiramitsutra.com for dessert. Will have to start marinating the pork/beef combination the moment I get home if they are to have any flavour after baking in the oven.

time left: 15 hours (4pm)

6. I will have to be cruel and stick to this, but I will be only calling 2 people to have a chat with them. I only have so much time (24 hours to be exact) and will be talking to each of this person an hour each. Piority goes to my Uncle Han since it is not possible to meet him in person. Should he not be available, I will move on and call the following people in the following order until someone is free for that hour. Patricia, Bao Guang, Angel, Desmond, Nerissa, Roger, Hui Zhen, Dad and lastly Winnie. Should no one be free, I will go and shoot hoops until these 2 hours are up. Then it'll be time to put the burgers in the oven and start cooking for dinner.

time left: 13 hours (6pm)

7. Time to get everything together for dinner. The burger will already be baking in the oven and I will have to start on the pork ribs first as they have to be braised. I prefer to stand over them over the first 30 mins as this is the most crucial period in the braising process. Once the sauce is properly done and simmering away, I will transfer the ribs and sauce into a slow cooker to let the flavours grow and gain more body on low heat. ABSOLUTELY no more boiling from then on. With 30mins left, it will be just nice to fry the vegetables, cook the rice and take the burgers out just before serving. Stick the 2 plates of vege into the oven, check the burgers are cooked, turn the heat to low to keep things nice and warm and go take a shower before Ling, Mum and Sis arrive for dinner.

Time left: 12 hours (7pm)

8. Dinner will be a quiet affair. With the 4 of us at the dining table, just unwinding from the day. Slowly eating a nice (I hope. Everything should turn out fine. These are tried and tested dishes of mine) home cooked meal and letting the knots ease out of the muscles. Random conversation. Commenting on interesting stuff that might have occured in the day. A nice, homely dinner. Great way to soothe a tired mind at day's end. Time always seems to fly by when at the dinner table.

time left: 10 hours (9pm)

9. Ling and I will retire to my room after dinner. As is usually the case when I am around, I am sure Ling will be stuffed and her tummy satisfied. She can finally let loose and relax for the day. Lying on my bed. Cheekily slipping under covers, knowing full well she doesn't need my permission, but asking just the same. Maybe we'll watch some anime, maybe not. Maybe she'll snuggle up to me in bed and fall asleep. I would be blessed and be able to hear her mumblings and breathing while she slumbers. One Last Time. Kiss her ever moving eyes, closed or not. Breathe in the perfume of her. Feel the warmth of her touch.

Before too long, she would awake and tell me she has to get home. Work on the 'moro you see. I drive her home and kiss her goodnight. And Goodbye.

Time left: 7 hours (12am)

10. I would make a quick detour to Chinese Swimming Club. I am very sure that my Dad will be there playing Mahjong, winding down with the last game of the night, as has been his practice for the past decade or more. A few games of pool, a few shots of whiskey, the kind of things I usually do with my Dad. Won't do anything out of the ordinary with him, lest he suspects. A cop will always be a copper. Talk to him about life and listen to him about his women problems abit before calling it a night. It gets tiring when you have to advice your own Dad. Even more so when he doesn't take it.

Time left: 5 hours (2am)

11. Drive to Jook. Call the boys (ML n RB) out to supper, go 7-11, whatever. Will talk crap with them and have a good laugh. Maybe shoot some basketball, just for fun, nothing that would break a sweat. Being with them is always a laugh. I live in the east as much as I live in AMK. We will finally tire and say our goodbyes, but by then, hours will always have gone by without us realising. 3 hours tonight might be stretching the limit for us, but we've been there and done that. Won't be the first time we "talked cocked" till the wee hours.

Time left: 2 hours (5am)

12. Drive to Upper Seletar. My favourite hideout in the whole of Singapore. I'll climb that tower and let the sight of the water and trees calm my soul. I have no idea what will be going through my mind for the final 2 hours. Never been in such a situation. I'll just... Stone. Watch the waters turn blue along with the sky. All the colours in the world coming to life along with the Sun as mine comes to an end. With the Sun fully risen, I'll send a "Good Morning" txt to my darling Ling to say I love her and maybe, if my maker is merciful, I will breathe my last with the sending of that message.

Time left: zero (7am)

Thresholds (1)

Hello there old friend. It's been a long time, back to visit again?


Yes, it has, hasn't it? I believe it was in secondary 2 that we last met? When your youngest Aunt passed away, wasn't it?


That's how long ago it was? I didn't even realise. So, why are you back again this time? Unfinished business?


Oh well... you know me. My business with you is never finished. Hey, it's not like I want to be here you know? You summoned me. I suppose... It is inevitable from the string of events going on in your life.


Hey hey, I didn't exactly invite you either. You just... Came! Yes, I know my thoughts have not been exactly healthy of late, but like you said, can you blame me for my state of mind? It's just a reaction to the circumstances around me, is it not? Even though I can accept you as part of my life, doesn't exactly mean that I want you to be. I would be more than happy to see the back of you, thank you very much.


And I to show it to you, young Master. You, of all people, should know that the link between us is such that the phrase "Unto death do we part" is a mockery. Either you die or dispel me back into the abyss of your heart I call home. Even then, you know I will return. If only to congratulate you for what you may or may not have accomplished as the bells of time keel out your death toll. I exist only because you do.


Be gone then! If your existence is dependent on mine, I demand that you leave me at once in peace.


Alas...It is you who will not let me go.


Blasted creature, you torment me so. For all the raging emotions you stir up in my soul, all actions are also quelled into inaction by your presence. I am impotent to act upon my despair as I drift along with my drained heart. Be gone, I implore you, be gone. Numb are my overworked senses. Tired is my unused body. Restless is my aimless mind.


And tighter does your grip on me ever grow. You watch me - grow stronger, larger and darker as I loom more and more over you - and you despair. You despair and your mute, pointless and mindless sorrow feeds me. It strengthens and emboldens me. You see the source of my power, but yet you still despair. The blasted one is you, insufferable fool.


Silence the mockery you utter. Do you think I am not aware of what you said. By-product of my existence, of course I know what you think. And yet... For that.. a greater fool I am. Helpless to help myself in spite of the knowledge we share. You have me at knife point. This is a checkmate I saw coming and did not avert. I have made you the scapegoat of my suicide, have I not?

I now stand at the threshold. A choice I have to make on the precipice of the plunge. How ironic that the plunge should be into the abyss of my own heart. The halls of your home from which you hail. Funny how my own heart is lethal and treasonous ground.


...to be continued

Echoes in my head....

Words and thoughts I can't exorcise out of my pysche. Meaning and implications that haunt me. Possibilities that terrify me....


"Why are you like this? Can't you give me some personal space and leave me alone?"

Meeting me is more of a chore than your household chores perhaps. A source of irritation I have become. Actions and gestures which only a boyfriend should/would think of doing now trouble you and even angers you.

You are more attached to whoever is texting you on your phone than me when we're alone. Is it really that terrifying and boring to be alone with me now?

3 full days I have been back. 30000 times my heart has cried. 1 weekend gone, 3 left, only 1 real weekend left to us. Has that occured to you this time around?

"you're leaving in 3 weeks. -clings on-"



Heart: I hurt.. why does it hurt so bad?
Soul: Stop beating yourself and the pain will stop.

Tell me what to do.

I wish you would gaze at me like you used to. I wish I could have so many more "10mins". This sense of me inexorably fading out of your life is such an excruciating pain. As though a part of me dies with each passing moment. "I love you" doesn't do it anymore. It isn't enough anymore. These 3 words might be in you, slowly turning transparent and vanishing. You try to form them into words, but they are as lead weights sinking further and further into the abyss.

I miss you. Your simple touch. More importantly, your smile. If dying would make you free of the shackles and chains weighing you down, I would commit love suicide.

This is the worst kind of torture, to be sitting beside someone, but knowing that she isn't there with you.

My arms go limp knowing they may never envelop you again, my claustrophobic darling.

Tell me what to do. Say "frog" and see me Croak and jump.

Love of mine some day you will die,
But I'll be close behind.
I'll follow you into the dark.

I Want...

... somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support


She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me


I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought
And with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to stay clear
Out of those things


But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
And in a place like this
I'll get away with it

Been A While

Haven't blogged about my cooking endeavours here since.... forever. Came across this recipe at ChubbyHubby, one of the best Singapore based food bloggers around. Worked like a charm. The needed ingredients are remarkably simple, but the care and attention inherent weren't. It was well worth though in the end. It reminded me instantly of home upon the first bite of tender meat. Tastes like.... Kung Bah Pow is the best I can describe it. Sadly, didn't pause to take a photo of it before it all disappeared. Delicious!

Find out how it's done

Ingredients:

Pork Riblets Braised in Vietnamese Caramel Sauce
from Molly Stevens' All About Braising
Serves 2 as a meal or 4 as a starter

1 cup sugar
1/2 cup water
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/3 cup fish sauce
1/3 cup sliced shallots
1 teaspoon cracked black pepper
1 slab baby back ribs (1.75 to 2 lbs)
sawed lengthwise in half